i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
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i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
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The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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