my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
This house was built for laser tag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My vagina just recognized that song.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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