....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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