This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
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Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
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