I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
