dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
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If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
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I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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