I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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