I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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