there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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