Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
