Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
