it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
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