glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!