I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I am naked and annoyed.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
