Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
