I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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