So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
