...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
