He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
