i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
