Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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