So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
