this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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