I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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