if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm both gender and math confused
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
