He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
