Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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