i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
