after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
