if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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