Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
