why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
