Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
