wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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