Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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