"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
