Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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