I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
