My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
