He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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