there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
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My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
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