She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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