You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
