my vag is so smooth its legendary
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
