Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
