I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hippo gnu deer
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
