I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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