I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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