I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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