I feel great
I just peed on a car
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
