I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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